Sport-Class MTB racer announces pity for Ullrich

Tales from the Peloton, August 10, 2005

After cruising the mean streets of Sandpoint, Idaho, Elden Nelson brings us a tribute of sorts to Jan Ullrich's 2005 Tour de France performance in the words of the people - "You've gotta feel sorry for the guy."

"Can you believe that poor sap's luck?" Sunderlage asked rhetorically about the Tour de France champion and six-time podium finisher. "He must cry himself to sleep every night, wishing Armstrong had never got back into the game."

Continued Sunderlage - whose personal best at a race was ninth in his age group (23rd overall) in a regional mountain bike race - about the former German National Champion and Vuelta Espana winner: "I wonder why he even bothers trying."

"Look, I'm not saying Ullrich's a bad rider, per se," gasped Sunderlage as he shifted into the lowest gear on his mountain bike. "Just that he never reached his potential as a racer because he doesn't have the discipline." Dismounting to push his bike up the rest of the hill, Sunderlage went on: "Have you ever seen how he packs on the weight during the off-season?"

Reached for reaction to Sunderlage's bombshell announcement, Tour de Suisse winner Jan Ullrich said, "I am of course very saddened to know that in spite of my best efforts, I have not been able to earn Rick Sunderlage's respect, and stricken by the knowledge that I have his pity. His approval means everything to me. I swear to you now: Rick Sunderlage, I will do whatever it takes to be the racer you think I should be."

Upon hearing of Ullrich's pledge, Sunderlage responded, "Yeah, I guess that's cool. But I'm still rooting for Basso in next year's Tour."

Read more fake news and cycling tomfoolery at the 'Fat Cyclist' blog