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Tales from the Peloton
Team Lardbutt aren't the fastest team in the US, they aren't the best equipped team, and we aren't even sure if they really exist. But they are funny (usually) and have some great tales to tell about the races they compete in (if they make it).
Tall Tales, Taller Mountains, and Statistics
-or-
The day I beat Miguel Indurain
By Greg Taylor
"In the Pyrenees they look to the Tourmalet and Luz Ardiden. They look to the legendary stages, but they forget about the stage to Bayonne, which goes over two climbs that are probably the steepest climbs in the Tour de France. So for me, there are the famous climbs, but there are also these ones that nobody thinks about and I'm glad we saw, because they're very difficult and they could change the results of the race."
Lance Armstrong, U.S. Postal Service, talking about the Col du
Bagarguy
and Stage 16 of the 2003 Tour de France
"I can honestly say I have never ever climbed up a road as steep as that one - let alone race up it like we did in today's 16th stage. It felt like we were pedaling up one giant wall forever and ever… We all knew it was a steep climb, but we never expected it to be that steep."
Michael Rogers, Quickstep - Davitamon, after climbing the Col
du Bagarguy
during Stage 16 of the 2003 Tour de France
"Shit. Shitshitsthitshitshit."
Me, a victim of statistics, while climbing the Col du Bagarguy
during the Etape du Tour, June 16, 2003
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Common wisdom has it that there are three types of untruths in the world: lies, damn lies, and statistics. As a cyclist, I'm sure that I'm on pretty safe ground here when I make the statement that virtually everyone who has ever ridden a bike in anger has at least a nodding familiarity with the first two.
C'mon, admit it: at one time or another we've all shaded the truth a bit or told a little white lie when swapping tales with our brother or sister cyclists. Rides become a bit more epic, average speeds creep up, and victories become more hard fought and glorious as each story is told and retold. And if these tales are told over a few beers, in a convivial setting, and in the company of the fairer sex, the result is often more the product of alcohol, imagination and wishful thinking than actual events.
However, I'll respectfully submit to you, the gentle reader, that while this shading of facts or prevaricating about your palmares on the bike - lying your ass off, if you will - does have a certain raffish charm, the clever cyclist need not risk the social and moral odium normally associated with being caught telling tall tales. No, I'm here to tell you that the thoughtful cyclist can truthfully lay claim to an impressive-sounding list of cycling accomplishments worthy of a Coppi or a Hinault or an Armstrong. I guarantee it. And just how does one carry off this tour de force of self-promotion?
Statistics.
Yes, statistics. Take irrefutable data about an event, give it an appropriate spin and, if you have a flair for it, you can completely eviscerate the truth while technically never telling an actual bona fide fib.
Don't know what I'm talking about? Okay, try this on for size at your next group ride: as you pull up to the coffee shop for that post-ride java-jolt, feel free to casually drop the fact that Lance Armstrong has never beaten you in a Spring Classic. Impressive sounding, isn't it? Yessir, Lance Armstrong, the newly crowned five-time Tour de France champion, has never beaten you in an UCF-sponsored World Cup event. And, strictly speaking, this is 100% true: Lance has in fact never defeated you in any head-to-head competition at all, let alone a one-day classic. You can look it up. Statistics do not lie.
Play this right, and your riding buddies will be falling over each other to buy you coffee.
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Of course, it's an equally true statement to say that your perfect record against the current Tour champion is due to the fact that you've never actually been in a Spring Classic or any sort of race with Lance Armstrong. Heck, when you get right down to it, you have probably never even been in the same postal code with the dude. No matter, as these petty irrelevancies cannot detract from the fundamental truthfulness of the statement under discussion. You have a perfect record against Lance Armstrong. Indeed, you would be entirely within your rights as a Gentleman to consider it rude and churlish for those of obviously lesser breeding to point out in polite conversation your lack of actual competition experience against Mr. Armstrong. If they persist, a duel is not out of the question.
And what is my point with all of this? My point is that if you use your noggin as more than a place to hang a bike helmet you can lay claim to some serious (and irrefutable) bragging rights for yourself.
Me? I don't normally like to tell stories about myself, but did you know that I once administered a shellacking to five-time Tour de France winner Miguel Indurain in a bicycle race over a mountain stage of the Tour de France? True fact. Don't believe me? You can review the race results. As I said, statistics do not lie. At the end of my glorious day in the Pyrenees - over the same mountain stage that Tyler Hamilton took his epic solo victory this year - I dropped Big Mig like a bad habit. And it went down like this….
Tour de France: the three most famous words in cycling. The Holy Grail, the mother-of-all races, a maker of heroes, a destroyer of men, a spectacle of the grandest order. For the three weeks in July when the Tour is circumnavigating France, each of the riders in the peloton carries with them the soul of cycling. A trip to France to see the Tour is like a trip to Mecca - for the faithful it is a pilgrimage, a renewal, almost a religious obligation, something that must be witnessed in person at least once in a lifetime.
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To have the privilege of taking your place by the roadside and watching the Tour caravan wheel past represents for most the closest that one can get to the Tour. But what about taking that next step? What would it be like to break down the barrier between spectator and participant, to actually get on your bike and - just for a day - experience the Tour de France as a rider? That would be something, wouldn't it? And if an opportunity to do that came up you would have to jump at it, wouldn't you?
You would, and I did.
For the past ten years, the organizers of the Tour de France and Velo Magazine have run an event known as the Etape du Tour. For the French-deficient out there in gentle reader-land, this translates into "A Stage of the Tour". The premise is self-explanatory: the organizers open up the roads that will be used on a stage of the Tour to riders who want to test their mettle against the clock and genuinely get the feel of what a tough day in the Tour is like.
Lest there be any mistake, this is the real deal here: the roads are completely closed, gendarmes man each intersection and crossing, Mavic support vehicles follow the massive peloton, and there are cheering crowds (and I don't mean a half-assed polite "golf clap" as you race by, I mean cheering crowds) lining the roads the entire way. Oh, and there is a completely brutal course to race over and a broom wagon ready to sweep up those who aren't up to the task. That is because not everyone finishes the Etape du Tour under his or her own power. Some simply give up in defeat - sad hulks of human wreckage deposited on the side of the road - and some are involuntarily pulled from the race for failing to make the required average speed.
To cut to the chase, I finished. Miguel Indurain didn't.
