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Team Lardbutt All American Beer & Doughnuts Time Trial
Sunday, May 23, 2004
Off the back
By Greg Taylor
If there is one thing that we Americans do well, it's that we usually get to the point quickly. Strip it down, put it in a chart, get to the bottom line. What does it cost? Which one is the best? How did we do?
It's the same way with bike racing. The Tour de France? Forget it. It takes three weeks for the French to figure out who wins, and then there are all of those frickin' jerseys to keep track of: the green sprinter's jersey, the polka dot climber's jersey, and the brown jersey for the guy with the worst saddle sores. The Giro? More of the same, just set in Italy and with a lot more arm-waving.
No, we Americans like to find out who is the fastest as quickly as possible, and without a lot of hoopla or fuss. And if we can eat doughnuts and drink coffee afterward, so much the better.
Measured against that criteria, the Team Lardbutt All American Beer & Doughnuts Time Trial this Sunday was a smashing success. Fourteen riders lined up in front of Gunston Elementary School for an individual 6.2 mile/10K blitz down Gunston Road. The course is a short but demanding one: start with an arrow straight rampage down Gunston Road past the road kill and horse farms, surf the curves and rollers as you rage down the tree-lined entrance road to Mason Neck Park and, after diving through "The Turn", it's a drag race down "Thunder Alley" and into the traditional finish at "The Picnic Tables."
It was noted in certain circles that, yes, strictly speaking the course ran downhill, with a significant net loss in elevation between the start and finish. "The selection of a downhill parcours for our event is reflective of the Lardbutt ethos," notes Bruce Dell, Race Marshall and a founding Lardbutt. "It distinguishes our TT from other races. Anyone can run an uphill time trial; shoot, those things are as common as pig tracks. How many downhill time trials have you heard of?" There were no complaints from the riders and the parcours was pronounced both "totally gnarly" and "most excellent" by those who rode it.
Race conditions Sunday morning were absolutely perfect: sunny, temps in the 70's, a light headwind, and very little traffic. Under the watchful eye of our Official Starter, Steve Porter, the first rider launched promptly at 9:00 am. The remaining 13 riders followed in 90 second intervals, and it was all over in 45 minutes. No one crashed, no one hurled, and there were more than enough doughnuts for everyone at the finish, three dozen to be exact. Let it be said that Team Lardbutt is doing its part to bolster Krispy Kreme stock prices and to stick it to those Atkins diet freaks.
The winner was John "Terp" Terpinas, a recent addition to the Lardbutt ranks, with a winning time of 14:45.2 and an average speed of 25.214 mph. Yes, for our little group, that is fast. The second step on the podium was occupied by none other than Greg "The Great One" Gallagher. Long rumored to have retired from the cycling scene to spend his golden years pursuing a late career in golf, Mr. Gallagher unleashed a 15:20.2 minute / 24.255 mph effort. This run was even more impressive as (1) Mr. Gallagher did his time in the "old school" style, sans aerobars, and (2) he didn't eat a single doughnut afterward. Amazing. Jack "Boom Boom" Boertlein rounded out the podium with a time of 15:26.8 / 24.082 mph. Mr. Boertlein's run was not without controversy, however, as several riders filed protests challenging his time. It was claimed that Mr. Boertlein's benefited from an illegal aerodynamic fairing on the back end of his bike. Closer inspection revealed that the suspected illegal "fairing" was, in fact, merely Mr. Boertlein's rather large ass. The protest was denied, and the result was allowed to stand.
Co-promoter Jose Aguto made the presentation of the Grand Prize -- a genuine Jelly Belly team jersey -- to Mr. Terpinas after the results were announced. "John rode like a true Lardbutt today," effused Mr. Aguto. "Okay, sure, most Lardbutts normally ride pretty slow, much slower than John. So, if he's riding like a Lardbutt, then I suppose that it can't be a good thing for him. Gee, sorry about that dude. Here's the jersey. Want another doughnut?"
The organizers, Yr. Hmbl. Scribe and Jose Aguto, would like to thank everyone who helped, especially Bruce Dell, and Steve Porter. A special thank you goes out to the Jelly Belly Cycling Team and Kirk Albers for donating a jersey to be our prize. And THANK YOU to the riders who showed up...it was a lot of fun. We're gonna do it again soon...
Results
1 John Terpinas 14.45 2 Greg Gallagher 0.35 3 Jack Boertlein 0.42 4 Tree Man Todd 0.43 5 Greg Taylor 0.52 6 Brian Chilton 0.54 7 Dave Mann 0.58 8 Doc Richmond 0.59 9 Manuel Feijoo 1.02 10 Jose Aguto 1.39 11 Steve Vines 1.59 12 Chris Dell 3.23 13 Tom Gallahue 4.02 14 Skip Maginniss 7.01
