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Jame Carney 05

September 10, 2005 - Natz or Gnats?

By:
Cycling News
Published:
September 10, 2005, 1:00 BST,
Updated:
April 21, 2009, 11:58 BST

Oh Billy, what can I say? Everything was going pretty minty fresh and then Team Northwestern...

September 10, 2005 - Natz or Gnats?

Oh Billy, what can I say? Everything was going pretty minty fresh and then Team Northwestern Mortgage got hosed down and violated on the last day. I'll go over all the action from the start so you can get a feel for it.

Day 1 - Pppprrrr Sweet (Pursuit) & Itch It (Scratch Race)
Day 2 - Points Taken (Points Race)
Day 3 - Toilet Paper Shuffle (Team Pursuit)
Day 3 - The Angry-Son (Madison)

I don't even know where to start, really. All I am is what I am and I feel like a rancid can of Spam. The tall order of me having a strong Gnats was too tall. After not doing much on the bike for almost four months (1.5 months taken off after Worlds and 1.5 months taken off to heal from my June 10th accident) that Sam Vanilla poisoning didn't really put me in the greatest of positions right before Gnats. I was totally cool with it though. It put me in a support role for my Team. I don't always have to win. I am very happy when my teammates rock out. I lost a bunch of weight from my Battle with Sam but it's all good now. I am actually in a very good place to get into great shape now; starting again from a smaller size instead of worrying about losing weight is preferable to me. Should be an excellent winter campaign; ssshhh, Tazzy here I come again. I have to - I missed the whole season here so what is a pirate supposed to do?

OK, so we all have our numbers and we're ready for "Freddy". "Freddy" is living pretty large this year. "Freddy" refers to the number of riders we're competing against; participate size. This is the first year since Olympic Trails in 1992 that less people qualify for the finals than the people that miss out. Usually, we'll have two heats that qualify 12 riders for the final and the size of the heat is only about 18. This year we have three heats that qualify only eight riders through and there are still 18 riders in each heat. Simple point that I will make here is that a lot of people paid a bunch of money just to ride heats. Some people have paid 37 bucks to just ride a 200 metre time trial. That is cool with me. The more the merrier. Whatever helps the sport.

OK again, there is no crowd to speak of the entire week of Gnats. Absolutely pathetic is the only way to describe it. Big Bad Bobba Lou (Bobby Lea) rides a 4:39 in Pursuit qualifying and gets second. He bailed from the "Itch It" heats to save energy for the final but to now avail; he still loses and Brad "Puff, Puff, Give" Huff is crowned the new champ. We are going to do a heavy switch to Bobba Lou's training program for September and get him up to his potential for those time trials on October 7-8 (USAC's next Talent Pool Opportunity Event).

The "Itch It" looks good for the NWMC Team. We have the defending champ, Josh Kickoff (Kerkhof), Mike "Freedom-Ham", Gui "Hurting Nacho" Nelessen, Elliot "The Guillotine" Gaunt and yours truly in the event. I am a decoy. I am going to be watched like a hawk, no matter what. My only chance is for a field sprint; only about a 5% chance of happening.

The race starts and we're off. It's all staying together and nothing is really happening at all. Is it going to be a field sprint? That's what I am thinking for the first quarter of the race. Then the crap-hola hits the fan; attack after attack, like a jack jumper that has had his space intruded upon. Here comes a big one and reel it back together. The counter goes and I see Kickoff at the bottom of the track with space to move. I yell to him, "Josh go!" and he doesn't move. I yell again, "Josh go now!" and this time he gets out of the saddle and bridges across. A couple more people bridge up over the next couple of laps but everything I cover gets pulled back and fails to escape clean. The sprint comes and Josh just blows everyone away; destroys everyone. Way to go! You're my boy, Blue!

Mr. Kickoff has been our sixth man in the team pursuit training for about a week now, so that means he wasn't going to get to ride the event unless an emergency occurred. He got Epstein-Barr back in February, so he had to take off all of March, April and May to get healthy again. He is super talented. A lot of people don't want to admit that and others chose to ignore it because Josh isn't their type of guy. Well I say that he's one of the people on this planet that I trust without question. He is on the Dean's List with me. I know his true character and so I spite the "nay" Sayers. He deserved this win and others will follow as long as he decides to stay with this sport.

Day II brings the fury. I am like seven-time US Points Race National Champion. The most anyone else has is two (Jonas "Tornado" Carney and John "Big Mouth Bass" Beckmen). It isn't going to be my day though. I had a rough time in my heat and that is not good news. I win Nationals almost every time I win or get second behind a friend in my heats. Anyway, Itchy Josh Kickoff races the heat in the wrong gear, 15 on the back instead of the 14 so needless to say; he didn't qualify. Gui was a very smart person in his heat and treated the first points race sprint as the Kierin Final. Needless to say he paid for that move by not making the final. We had four guys in the final instead of six. We were out numbered by the Creepy CREEF guys.

I went back to the Hoe-tell and I woke from my nap with a feeling of positivity. The squirrel that had been haunting me in my recent dreams accepted my offer of the peace pipe and we became the dynamic duo. Strange, I know but it was sign. Long story short on this race too: Bobby wins! Kidding, I'll get more into it. We start out with the plan of Mike sort of watching Colby and Bobby sort of hanging near Huff. Elliot and I are just riding support unless something crazy happens. Crazy things do happen but not on this day. After the first sprint, the race gets kind of hard and an opportunity opens. I told my guys to race a little conservative and defensive before the race, but sometimes you have to change plans midstream and go with your gut. The front part of the pack was in the first turn and some of the head honcho riders were heading up the banking. I had those monkeys pinned and covered and I saw Bobby clear for take off. I turned and looked at him and said "Bobby, go! Go Now!" and he did. Now we'll cut to the chase. That six man group went and it was all over. I told our guys before the race if a good group for us lapped, that we were going to stop anything else from lapping and that's what me, Mike and Elliot did. I chased down everything that moved; even stuff that had Bobby in it. That might sound strange but when you lap the field and are winning the race, staying with your teammates is a smarter thing to do than to get isolated. It was smart for Bobby to cover those moves; he had to but for those of you that didn't understand what I was doing now you do. The Madison race that is coming up soon will prove this point.

Anyways, we all do the team thing and help Bobby out. We do so in a legal professional manner and he wins. It was an excellent necessary win for Boob coz that pursuit loss was hard to swallow. It tastes fine now.

Day triple is Toilet Paper cut day. Josh is out for sure. Everyone on my team is doing just fine so we ride Elliot in the opening round. He is last year's Junior National Pursuit Champ and has a promising future. He has already mastered the art of myspace.com so he is like a young Jedi. Zena talks to me in my head and says "Be conservative and vote for Bush". I don't like the conservative stuff but sometimes it's better not to "Go from the Gun". Maybe that's why I love handicaps and veggie butt (vegemite). Anyhow, we go last coz we are the reigning champs. I put my guys on a schedule to beat the fastest team thus far by three seconds and that is exactly the way it finishes in qualifying (4:25).

In the final I know that the Crusty Crew of Kenny G, Curtis "2 Guns a Blazing", Dan "The Man" and Huff Huff Give are just going to unleash the fury. I wanted to go for a sub 4:20 pace but Zena got in my head again. Winning for sure was much more important than going for our PR and having something go wrong. I put my guys on a 4:22 pace and they handle it fine and finish with four guys and do a 4:21. Not too bad since LA is not a fast track no matter what anyone tells you. It's an excellent awesome track but not a speed demon. Look at some of the times from this years Worlds, they are not impressive. Sure there were a few guys that went incredible but it was because they were insanely impressive and could have established World records with the form they had on a faster track. Am I the captain of tangents or what? We win again and I am proud of the hard work my guys have put in. Miller was only working out with us for about a month before Gnats. There is no denying his talent. Just like Kickoff, he just needs to be handled fairly and be understood and the demon within can power out. Cycling isn't a personality contest. Everyone is an individual and their needs vary. I remember years ago on Prime Alliance when Miller got third in the Redlands Crit. He was fat and out of shape and wearing an all blue smurf skinsuit. It was awesome. If I could get Miller Band and Just Kickoff in great form, they would be a world class Madison team. Speaking of which...

The Mad Mad Madison: I have delayed this diary for this reason. "If you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all" (is that how it's supposed to go?) Well, I don't play by those rules but I will keep it calm and real. Long story short once again, Colby Cheese (or mini BTN as some say) and Chaz Hart-lee ride super smart and pull off the first two sprints with great moves. Our guys are napping. I am riding with Gui and we are hoping for a top five finish and are looking to do a lot of pulling at the front for team purposes. Josh and Ryan are riding together but they both have too much cottage cheese in their butts to be a real threat. I'm hoping that they just get some experience and get more comfortable with each other during this ride. Elliot is riding with Sky Walker Star and they aren't going to be a real threat either. Elliot has a hand full of exchanges to his name. It's up to Booby and Freedom Ham to save the day for Northwestern Mortgage. They battle back hard and are actually winning by the slimmest of margins with less than half the race to go. This is where BS ensues. Huff Huff Give and his CREEF partner have already lost multiple laps to the field and continue to do team work for Colby and Chad. Most of it hasn't made too much of a difference but it shouldn't be allowed by the officials. In none of the previous races or this Madison have any of the Northwestern Mortgage guys lost a lap to the field and done team work. Anyway, Colby and Chad are off the front with Bobby and Mike and they are clear and gone. C&C Music Factory attack Bobby and Mike and get a small gap on them. What happens next changes the race and we will never know what would have really happened. Huff and his partner go down another lap (3 or 4 now, I don't really know) and they just drill it and tow C&C away from Bobby and Mike. This went on for multiple laps before the officials did anything. Colby and Chad win and controversy is alive and well. Team work is one thing but this crossed the line and it crossed it by a mile.

We protested and of course just like I predicted; nothing was done. Our boys didn't show up for the award ceremony and I have to admit if the same thing happened to me, I would have done the same thing. By showing up, it would have insinuated that the official's decision was acceptable. It wasn't. I think the official's will be more aware now and stop this garbage before it gets out of control. Speaking of Garbage, the new CD is pretty hawt. You should check it out.

Anyway, sorry for being tardy again; you wouldn't have wanted me to write this diary in heated frustration, would you?

Next event: The LA time trials on October 7th and 8th. With my new power animal, the brown eyed squirrel, maybe I will be able to get back to Captain Insane-O form. I am surprised how well my back is holding out from my last week's training.

You all take care and be good to the kids.

Side Note: We are currently looking for additional sponsors for the 2006 season so if you know of anyone that wants to help a brother out and believes in what we are trying to do here on NWMCT. jdashme@aol.com is a good place to send them. Thanks.

Swan Out

August 12, 2005 - Prelude to Track Nats

By:
Cycling News
Published:
August 12, 2005, 1:00 BST,
Updated:
April 21, 2009, 11:58 BST

So this season has been a real bummer for me from about December 30th on. Constant problems and...

So this season has been a real bummer for me from about December 30th on. Constant problems and headaches have just kept pounding me like a big evil squirrel with monstrous feet and jacked up teeth. Try to keep away from these vegetarian b*****s, they can't be trusted. This is the beast that has been haunting me in my recent nightmares. I always have something crazy like that going on.

Since I have written last, a lot has happened and a lot hasn't happened so I will give you a quick flash dance.

1. I moved back to T-town. It is hot and humid there in the summer. Perfect weather for insects. They rule. Try riding there without glasses on and your eyes will become catcher's mitts for them.
2. I got maliciously crashed intentionally on June 10th. For all the true details, you can visit fixedgearfever.com and look up the old articles and see the video. It was a moment I'll never forget.
3. My back, which wasn't doing super flash in the first place, got totally screwed up from that crash. I have two herniated discs now and have had two epidural shots in my spine to help relieve the problem.
4. My juniors rode well at their National Championships. They all medaled and/or won. They all were psyched.
5. I went up to Portland after Junior Natz to maybe race the AVC up there because I already had a ticket to go but I wasn't ready to compete yet. Instead, all I ended up doing there was spending a lot of money on stupid stuff that I really didn't need. I left and felt used and abused. Portland can be a trap like that. I need to learn to control my impulses better. No more high drama on the high seas.
6. I had my big conference call with USAC. It was for the Carney vs. Lakatosh hearing. It went fairly well - I had never done one of those before so I had no idea what to expect.
7. I was going to physical therapy about three times a week in July and it worked wonders on my back. Thanks Joel!
8. I finally started to train around July 22nd, about six weeks after my spill, and began to dream the dreams of winning some events at track Nationals. We'll see...

On with the show: So let's start this out from about July 29th. It's Friday night and that means racing at T-town. I pass on these race from here on out but that is a subject that I might elaborate on later. Anyhow, I have a whole group of my pupils out there and they are ready for action.

It's omnium night at Lehigh County Velodrome for the dudes. The guys have three scratch races; a two mile, a five mile and a ten mile. The only extra little trick is that there are half way sprints in these scratch races that count for Omnium points

The first race goes as and nothing really super exciting happens. Dirty Dan Larsen took the mid sprint with a flyer and Mike 'Free Hams' led out 'BLT' Lea for the win at the end.
In the 5 miler, a break got off that didn't have any of the top 5 from the previous race in it. They were all watching each other like eagle eyes in the skies with diamonds. It was all Ham in the break; he won the half-way sprint and the final sprint. He was the man; myth and legend of the event.

The next event was the 10 miler. A crash mid way stopped the race and it had to be neutralised. After a restart, it just rolled fast. BLT tried to give it to the pack and attacked from the back, front and side but could not escape from the madness. He did the 'pay back thank you' move of the month and led Mike out for another win.

Mike finished first overall, Ryan Miller was second and Bobby ended up finishing third. My little boys got one, two, three, and it was cool to see.

The next day I went for my first real training ride since my accident. I'd gone for some easier ones in the previous week but nothing that would give me any fitness. I decided that if I was going to give Track Nationals a shot I had to push it and find out if it was possible. I went for a six hour road ride with some Zone 5 lactate power hill efforts and I felt really good. I was psyched. I decided to take the next day off so I could give it a really good push on Monday and Tuesday. I was planning on going to LA where Nationals is being held on the Wednesday.

My training went well in the morning, but then I think I got Sam Vanilla (salmonella) poisoning that night. Sam is a sick disease. Warning - avoid it at all costs. It sucks the life out of you. The only cool thing about it is that it puts you through so much stress that you can't help from losing a bunch of weight. I didn't sleep for about a week, I threw up a couple times, I was visiting the porcelain throne about every other hour on the hour and I just felt betrayed by my beloved food. Kids, be careful, you don't want this grief. I must have lost about 4 real pounds of mass throw, because everyone here in LA is commenting on how skinny and fit I look. More proof that looks can be deceiving; I have less than 10 rides in my legs since that nice assault I endured on June 10th.

This brings us to Sunday, the 7th. I decided to do the club racing at the Home Depot Center ATD Velodrome. This was my first race back from the grave. I was smoked in the kierin, I got third in the scratch race but then I won the 'devil take the hind most'. I did play the devil for the last 10 laps or so and that helped me smoke JoJo Starbucks Ng for the win.

The confidence built over the night. Now I just needed to ingest and digest my food. If it was the 'Son of Sam' poisoning, I pretty much put it all behind me that night and vowed to be much more careful from here on out. No one can hurt me now, especially with my cheese helmet.

Other flashes:

My Team Pursuiters are looking hot like Salsa Picante. They rode a flying 2:02 2K last night

Peace outs, high fives and thank yous for all that have supported me through my recent tough times. I made it through all this crap because of you. For all you others on the flip side...(I don't think commenting is my best option)...

Natz start now. Two hard days of training should test me like a Swan, a Black Swan.

Jame

Episode II: Autistic Pirate of the South Pacific

By:
Cycling News
Published:
April 11, 2005, 1:00 BST,
Updated:
April 21, 2009, 11:58 BST

I forgot a major thingy in my last diary; the jobby job job. So I have just graduated from Fort...

I forgot a major thingy in my last diary; the jobby job job. So I have just graduated from Fort Lewis College in December with a Degree in Exercise Science. My concentration is on coaching. Go figure; something I have already been doing for almost two decades now. Anyway, most of you know I love Tasmania, so when I hear the Head Coaching for Tasmania is becoming available in the next couple of months; I decide to apply for the position. Two things to note here:

1. My Teammates are a little worried and bummed out that I am applying for the job. After they realise that if I am hired it would not only benefit Tasmania but them too, they begin to calm down and understand the philosophy of 'the greater good'. Psst, it is winter in the US during the Tazzy summer and summer in the US during the Tazzy winter. This could lead to possible exchange programs and stuff; lots of potential opportunities that help the sport.
2. Is this too early for me to quit biking? To be honest with you, probably yes would be the answer but I would retire for this job. Mark Jamieson's dad, Kevin, asked me why I would quit biking while I was still winning at the World Cup Level. I told him you have to take opportunity when it exists. I have accomplished enough in my career to retire satisfied. This job is exactly the level I want to coach at and exactly where I want to live. I had to give it a go.

Long story short, I apply and get through the first cut and I get to the interview process. I am pretty psyched but I am keeping myself pretty reserved. Even though I have a lot of support and the blessings of many Tasmanians, the rumor is that they already know who they want and think he will do an excellent job. That is cool; I'll just go with the flow and give it my best shot. So I strike a dilly bar (deal) with Rik McCaig and set up a trip back to Australia to do the Bendigo Madison. It correlated with my interview beautifully. The added extra bonus feature was that I was able to catch up with some friends that I hadn't seen for a while and we all went to 'TWO TRIBES' together and held hands, sang songs and ate cookies for 16 hours. Sorry, tangent, back to the interview. Shazammi, it goes well and I am actually hopeful now. During the next couple of weeks so many people are coming up to me and telling me that I'll get the job for sure and stuff like that. I am beginning to believe the hype a bit. Psst, that is never a good thing. Anyway, I said long story short so I will just flat out say the result: I DID NOT GET THE JOB. I am very disappointed but that is the way it goes and you know what, maybe Mr Jamieson is right. Maybe it is too early for me to call it quits. It is not like I hate racing my bike or anything. The job becomes available again in January of 2009 so maybe I'll race until then and then apply right after the Burnie Wheel.

Worlds Camp

So we're in beautiful LA, home of the body bag and Worlds start in four weeks. There is about a zero chance that I would be able to stay in camp for this long and keep my insanity (conform - never) so that is another good reason why I did the Bendigo Madison. I will now steal a statement from 1990 but I will give credit to the person who said it. "There are only about two people that I do not hate here, and one of them doesn't use rope as dental floss." Something to that effect, but that probably isn't spot on. I've changed my mind. I am not going to give credit to this person. I am turning it into a contest. I gave you the quote and the year. I want the person and the Continent that it was said on. The only other hints I will give you is that he is an Olympian and many considered him back then mean and bitter. The prize is a surprise to whoever gets it right. Spelling counts, and if I get two answers within the same hour that are correct, the tie breaker is who was he referring to about the 'using rope as' and what place did he get in his first Olympics.

Ready, set, go!!!

Anyhow, I used the above line because I'm not a big fan of a few people on the US Team and some of their helpers so I needed a break from the BS. Being able to get back to my favourite Island Continent for a kick azz event and interview was a great effort.
All in all, the camp was fine. We all had our own rooms at the Extended Stay America but I had no cell phone reception in my room so I always had to walk outside to talk to my people. I used my enforcer/assistant to my advantage to keep annoying personnel off me during training. Thanks Josh. The LA track is so awesome but at the same time is so lame. Perfect track, you couldn't ask for any better but you can't motor pace with anything but electric bikes because there is no ventilation system in the building. This is so lame. Another psst, there are many ventilation systems in most of the covered velodromes on this planet and they still motor pace with real motorcycles on them. Only in America is all I have to say.

The other unbelievably lame aspect is that there are no bathrooms or storage rooms on the infield level. I know we are in Cally so stuff is major expensive but for 13 million dollars or so, I would expect a little more. Beggars can't be choosers so I am thankful that we have an indoor facility. I love that it is the classic design and not the new wave circle fishbowl tracks that have been built in the last decade. Supposedly, the new track in Victoria is also a classic 'cigar' shape.
Big bad Booby Lea is tearing up the track, does a 2:06 flying 2km about a week before his Championship ride. Becky is also flying - is well on her way to her best performance ever. In training, she did a standing 375 metre in 27.3 seconds without a front disc or aero helmet; that is faster than your average cheetah. I, however, lost any form I had on the airplane to and from Australia. I'm looking hard for it but until I find it, I will just do what I do best and motor pace like a fiend, super fast and enjoy doing it.

Other action, other aspects? The Dutch Team is about as impressive as it gets nowadays. The 'TKO Big Boss Man' is the newest real deal. Cool thing is that all of you are allowed to like him. I give you permission. He is not an arrogant prick. A lot of guys get good and change, he isn't one of them. I like the new breed of Jobi, Ryan B, the English Sprinter Dudes and TKO. Somewhere in the mid 90's if you were fast on the bike, you started to think your poopies didn't stink. I have an ancient Chinese secret for you, they always stink. Hats off to the New Kids on the Block (remember that boy band) and these new top class bikers too, they have the right frame of mind.
Let's see, more secrets. Well, we all knew for about 6 months that USAC was hiring Gary West but we all thought it was going to happen in November, not April. I'm all for it. I've known him for over 12 years. He is a no nonsense guy that is very knowledgeable and well organised, and I learned more from him and Charley Walsh in '93-'94 than anyone else with regard to training and coaching, ever. Hopefully USAC will allow him to do his thing. I have always seen him be fair and that is all most athletes want.

The Racing

Sorry, I got a little off track there. Must be all the fibre I've been eating. I think we saw some nice upsets, some new faces and a glimpse at things to come at these Worlds. Some of the obvious BS that has to change is the bicycle weighing. Some imbecile at the UCI forgot to put the word 'road' when making the weight limit rule for bikes in their book. Bikes have to weigh at least 6.8 kg according to the UCI. Well that is great if you are at least 5 feet 8 inches tall. If you are one of us smaller folk, why should we have to put lead weights in our seat tubes to make our bike safer/heavier? My bike is stock steel straight up with nothing funny. Fix the rule, it is lame. Some people have been calling the shift in seasons with regard to the Worlds as the 'Winter Experiment' and believe that it won't last long. I can see both sides. It really isn't good for the US and it isn't good for College students (there isn't anytime that a semester fits in well anymore).

Award time! Best ride goes to Jobi (Dagger) Dajka, giving TKO the KO in the sprint quarter final. Runner ups go to the Meares sisters in their semi final rides. They lost but they did it in style. Sneak Attack from the Back Move goes to the Brits in the Madison. That was tight as a dolphins butt (water tight). Bone Head Move of the Year goes to the UCI of course for their scheduling. Put the Keirin on the last day! It is the most dangerous event on the planet. Let the riders finish their other events before they attempt to commit suicide. I had picked the BK Broiler (Ben Kersten) for the upset win in the Kilo but his outstanding form that had been with him for about four months just ran out at the wrong time. Speaking of that, did any of you see the US results from the Worlds? Hell yeah, we rule. Bobby Bruce Lea did a great job of doing an imitation of the chicken dance at a wedding. Sorry Bobby, that is a little mean but we need to show everyone how good you really are in real competition one of these days. He did a 4:44 at Worlds, and two weeks before USAC made him do a trial run and he did a 4:38. He had better form at Worlds, so..? Plenty of time to find out what is up; he is like four years old or something. My prize disciple, Becky C, tried to pull the gate with her in her 500 TT. It really wasn't her fault. The UCI, in their second smooth move of Worlds, decided to change the gates they were using for the competition the day before it all started. So many Kilo and 500 riders blew their start because these gates were releasing later than the others, it was stupid. All that everyone needs to know is that Becky rocks! It is not just one moment that defines, Becky. It is the sum of all the parts, and your current sum exceeds almost everyone's that I've ever known and it is still growing.

As for me, well, I gave it my shot at 10.75 to go and was caught at 3.75 to go. I really didn't have any form to speak of so I am not really disappointed. If I waited for a sprint all I was going to be able to do is follow the wheel and I wanted to have a chance to win so I saw the opportunity and let her fly. The crowd went nutz when I got that gap. I will always remember that. I learned some important lessons here in the last few months. Ones that I will use in the future. I have no one but myself to blame about my back and the circumstances that lead to my bad form. I didn't want to say this BUT I will try my very best to make sure I am in top form for next year's Worlds in Bordeaux, France. I really don't like Bordeaux, but never give up and never surrender, that is the motto.

Miscellaneous

So we are in LA, a pretty cool town (for some) and what do some of the Germans and Australians do as soon as they are finished racing? They jump in cars and head to Vegas! I think most foreigners regard Vegas as much more fun and action packed than most Americans do. I was heading that way so I went too, but I go the rides. The new cool move is to go to the Stratosphere and ride the 'Big Shot', but here is the key; you are not allowed to look at what it does before you ride it. If you go into that puppy with no idea what is going to happen, it is a trip. I think the girl next to me pooped her pants. It was cute but stinky. Vegas has so many rides that it is nuts. They are building more on top of the Stratosphere as I write. One of my favorite things to do in Vegas though is to watch the drunk people at the breakfast buffets at 9am. Every hour on the hour, you can see someone in Vegas that has had one too many drinks and that drink is usually in their hand since they have an open container law there.
I also stopped in Prescott, AZ on my way back to dirty Durango. I really like that little town. It has some of the best loops for training and is at over 5,000 ft. While I was there in my hotel the last night, this young girl established a record of having like 20 donuts or something crazy like that. I was going to head to Tucson from there but the shocks on my truck were going bad so I drove straight back to Colorado.
I guess I better put something in here about autistic pirates or the title won't fit. Well, the story goes that the movie 'Pirates of the Caribbean' came out and I got all of these phone calls last summer. For some reason, people think I act, walk or talk like Captain Jack Sparrow but that I am a bit more autistic (I'm a bit of a numbers freak). I don't see it or believe it so whatever. You can be the judge.
Now that you are all caught up; I will bring you 'THE PLAN OF ATTACK' in the very very near future. It has Mt Biking Madness, Spider Bites, Heavy Bags, A New Cool Sport, A Pink Bianchi, Squirrel Dreams and much much more.

OK, I straight out apologise for dropping the ball and falling behind on these diaries. It will not happen again. I know I skipped a lot of funny stuff in these last two so I apologise to those that I have left out. You know I love you and I have not forgotten our special times together.

Next one in less than a week...wanna bet?

The Run Down

By:
Cycling News
Published:
April 08, 2005, 1:00 BST,
Updated:
April 21, 2009, 11:58 BST

OK, I want to see a show of hands of who saw the movie "The Run Down" with the Rock and Shawn...

OK, I want to see a show of hands of who saw the movie "The Run Down" with the Rock and Shawn William Scott. I saw it. It wasn't so fresh and minty but it had Christopher Walken in it so you have to give it a look. Anyways, I chose this for my title cause I have not written in forever, and I thought I would give you a run down to catch up and then be a good little boy and never fall behind again.

Post World Cup Syndrome

The month is November and I have just come back from the Moscow World Cup. I am super psyched cause I won the Scratch Race in excellent choreography. Problem is I am so far behind in school that I think I am going to fail one of these classes and not graduate next month. I sleep entire plane rides, so studying does not occur. I am too busy catching up with other bikers at World Cups that reading is not a fundamental. This blows the baloney pony cause I really needed to get my booty down to Tucson for their stellar bike swap and unload my used junk, but I had to pass on it and read and make up for lost time.

After I catch up a bit, I decide to do the El Tour de Tucson with no endurance in my legs. I haven't gone for an endurance ride in like six months but hey, I am good at faking the funk. Ready, set, go and we're off. Long story short, I get in the winning break but have no confidence in my endurance so I don't attack early. The break was off for the last 100km so I was scared of falling to pieces but when it came down to the last 30km, I was doing most of the work. It was a direct head wind so attacks were easily snuffed. I thought I could win in a sprint with these dudes; there were four of us but it was down to three at the end. But Dirty Derek Wilkerson smoked me and I had to take second for my third year in a row. They need to change the course direction back to the original way. I have three seconds this way and three firsts the other way. Guess which way I like?

Now you have to know I have fallen further behind in school with that trip. Tucson is a constant dance party. I have to give a shout out to Bison Witches, Heart Five and Congress. They all rule. I also couldn't pass up the opportunity to see the Korn concert with my buddy Steve. I am so far behind!!! I have had fun though.
I get back to school and my professors are just getting annoyed with me. I am the old crusty dude who likes to bike. I show them all the Disco Italiano Moves I learned in Tucson, but they are not impressed.

The weather turns totally to s***house in Dirty Durango and I can't Mt Bike anymore (my new secret training weapon). I can't stand this so I say "Peace" to all the homees and their shorties in Double D and head to Tucson for a long weekend in the beginning of December. Things are cool and I have plans to work hard like a Sheep Dog in New Zealand but the weather HATES me and turns to poo. It never rains in Tucson but it does this weekend just for me. I have four days to train hard and eat and write, and all I end up doing is secret squirrel studying in my room at the Congress for about five hours a day. Hey, it was some great studying, but I wish I could have rode my bike a little more.
Finals have arrived and I have prepared enough to know that I am safe to graduate. I bust out my last exam and jump in my car and head straight for the airport. I'm off to Tasmania. Seriously, from class to the airport to Tasmania, that is the time constraints I have been under.

Tasmania is where I want to live

I have been to Tazzy a bunch of times; I think eight, to be exact. I love it there. My trip over went smooth but I forgot to mention before that our custom track frame builder's Dad died in a plane crash two weeks before my departure so his life was turned upside down and he had to deal with an immense amount of sorrow. Nothing can prepare you for a tragedy like that. All of our hearts went out to Mike. Even though he was going through such a tough time, he still got out our first batch of bikes to us in time for the Christmas Carnivals. Thank you, Mike. I know it wasn't easy.
Deda got us our stuff before our departure to the land of devils and so did Zipp to a lesser extent. We were in a little bit of a rush to get all our jazz together but we pulled it off. The UCI switching Track to the winter has caused a bunch of equipment problems. It is going to be difficult every year to get things organized in time.
Anyways, Booby Lee Press On Nails won the Roseberry Wheel. I won Launceston in fabulous fashion (not really, but I was uber happy cause I had never won it before). And Mike "I killed a Sheep with my bare hands" Friedman won the Hobart Wheel. Gui had success on the road and Josh made out with about 400 chicks (he won the lightning handicap at Hobart and the Tasmanian Kilo Challenge too).

Things were fine for me until Devonport hit. I had just won the Moscow World Cup the month before, graduated from Fort Lewis a fortnight before, and won Launceston the day before, but hell was looking to hit me in the ball bag hard. She did. After the first night at Devonport, I drove from D town to Launceston to pick up Tonsil Hockeyman (Becky Conzelman) at the airport. I carried most of the bags for her and busted my ass back up to D town. There after the long car ride, I had to deal with picking up other heavy stuff. Long story short (again), this jerk made me move my car from where I parked it. To do so I had to move some rollers. I picked them up in a funny way and COMPLETELY BLEW MY BACK OUT. That hasn't happened to me in years. That screwed the rest of my Carnivals. It takes over a week for the nerves to relax enough to let me even walk straight. Oh well, I'll fake it, and I did for the rest of the Carnivals up until St Helens.

So after about two weeks, my back agrees to play with me nice again and I ride like a Black Swan and win the Scratch Race and get second in the Wheel behind Dirty Stinky Darren Young. He is a wily little dude and has been known to Moose Hunt. I have witnessed him stalk and trap prey even when their older siblings are about. Anyhow, I feel like I am coming up strong again BUT...BIG BUT - my backy poo decides to blow out again the next week just to show me that she rules the schools and doesn't want to ride well at the Sydney World Cup. Hey, such is life. I had rode super flash from about the end of July to the end of December. I am an old crusty dude. My pectoral muscles can only be so pretty for so long before they go concave again for the winter. At my age, your good form goes into hibernation from time to time. You have to accept that and embrace it. I prefer to make love to it, not war.

Fast Forward

Sorry, I will get a lot of crap from people for skipping a bunch of cool incidents that happened in Tazzy over their summer but hey, this is a "run down" and that means facts only. We should treat Tazzy like Vegas. "What happens in Vegas/Tazzy, stays in Vegas/Tazzy." That is the motto. I am just merely a witness and keeper of secrets. It is my retirement fund. I need something to fall back on after biking. I will give a special shout out to Kenny, Clay, Josh II and Emma though. I should give out more but the are the Fantastic Four.

OK, my dudes come back from the Australian Madison with mixed results. Booby and Gui got strip searched by an Aussie Rules Football team and Mike and Josh finished a respectable fourth on the Top 40 count down.
We are trying to get ready for breaking the USAC time standard but Josh is starting to have a tough time even making out with one chick at a time now. Something is wrong with this chick magnet.

One week before the Sydney World Cup, my little boyz do a test run. They go 4:22 and finish together. Not bad, they didn't have helmet covers or front discs. I really thought they would do the time standard in Sydney with more rest and better equipment.
World Cup action begins in Sydney. We've got our new wheels, we have helmet covers and we have eased on the training. Things should go good but they go bad. I have nothing, my back is frozen and I barely get top 10 finishes. Becky jumps the starting gate and ruins her ride. My Toilet Paper (Team Pursuit) Squad misses getting fifth by .1 of a second and misses the time standard by 2.2 seconds. This means their hard work counts for nothing. One tenth of a second faster and they would be allowed to race Worlds but they didn't do it so USAC gives them the big flick and says, "go home, you aren't worth any support right now". See, I have a problem with this, because they are under 23s why not give them a positive gesture and let them race? So it will cost a few extra bucks, big deal. They waste money all the time - riders that have never ridden the track before camps. These kids might actually do something in the future. They didn't handle it the way I would have, but maybe that is why I am not always the flavour of the month in the system - it comes down to morals, ethics and beliefs to me.

Anyway, Josh isn't riding so well, and he has the signs of Epstein Barr, and guess what? I have him get tested and that is exactly what he has. The man gets almost a three month vacation to get rid of that crazy thing. I caught it once in 1995 and ditched it after nine weeks, so hopefully Josh can kick her to the curb in 12. Because Brad Huff is in school and doesn't want a ride off with Booby, Mr Bruce Lee gets to race the pursuit at Worlds. Becky has recovered from jumping the gate early in Sydney and is training well.

So, what do we have thus far in Part I of The Run Down

1. Get back from Russia and now I'm way behind in school.
2. Get second in El Tour de Tucson for the third time in a row.
3. Weather turns to poo in Durango so I head south to Tucson and the poo follows me there. Squirrel study sessions are the best and I feel good about the finals coming up but the riding is on the down.
4. Our frame builder's Dad dies in a plane crash. We struggle to get all the equipment we need for our Tazzy trip in time.
5. I win Launceston and then blow my back out twice.
6. All of us ride bad in Sydney.
7. Josh has a kissing disease, Gui and Mike get the boot, Becky is looking better every day, Booby gets the nod to ride the Pursuit at Worlds and I don't own a real back.

Part II coming to a computer near you soon...

Jame

Author
Jame Carney 05

Welcome to the Jame Carney diary for 2005. One of the US' longest-serving domestic pro riders, Carney is a track endurance specialist and coach of several other American track specialists. He has ridden for the Shaklee and Prime Alliance teams but this year is once again captain of the Northwestern Mortgage Cycling Team - but now with team-mates! Follow Jame's lively accounts of his adventures as he makes the transition bridges the worlds or rider and manager/coach, exclusively on Cyclingnews.com.